So many chances

I am willing to believe, to accept, that there are shitty people. With terrible intentions and cruel mannered ways.

That they are this way because of the things they’ve endured, or the way they were raised.

I will never accept the excuse of people being incapable of change.

Until the day you die, you are given unlimited chances.

So change while you can.

Change into something good.

Change until you love your self, more than you’ve loved anyone else.

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To an ex lover

You always told me, no matter what it would be me and you. Us , against everyone else. Distance didn’t matter, but it mattered to you and that’s why I left so abruptly. I️ was lost,I️ was broken . But you went on to live your life.

You kept me up at night, you kept me from sleeping, from dreaming. You held me back and expected more out of me than out of yourself. You said you loved me when you clearly didn’t. So I️ had to let go of that. Your beautiful singing still haunts me, I️ can’t listen to certain songs, I️ just can’t enjoy them. But new Music soothes my pain, and that’s how I️ get through.

I️ wrote about you, but you don’t notice. You never did like my writing. You never once even took the time to read it. But I️ always did , and I️ hope you notice now.

You think I’m evil, and that you’re pure. But Satan never asked for my soul. Because it was too invested in someone else. That someone was you , and I’m through with that now.

I’m happy , I’m in love. With someone who’s not you.

I’m writing this because I️ found my angel, and I️ found him on my journey , and for that journey to take place it meant I️ had to abandon ours. I know it’s fucked up, I️ admit that. That’s why I’m writing this for you, so you can finally understand instead of questioning it.

I️ gave up on you, to love myself and to find someone who would love me just as much. I️ gave up on you because we didn’t fit anymore. We were bent , broken , and didn’t bend together the same.

It hurt me , if you were wondering. It tore me in two. But it was important to find someone who wasn’t you.

To an ex lover,

I’m sorry for all that I️ put you through. The pain, the exhaustion, the confusion. I️ hope you understand. I️ hope all is well.

You just don’t know. 

  

You don’t know heart break until the voice of a human shatters your entire being into a million pieces. Until you can feel the blood pulsing through your wrists In such anger , in sadness. A phone call turns into a constant hurt that just gets worse with every word they speak. 

  You don’t know heart break until you’re lifeless on the floor, one too many to drink and one less person in your life. You struggle to get up and even if you do, the sadness just weighs back down on you. Your friends try to help but they’ve seen this too much, and they’re tired and beat down by the worry. 

  You don’t know heart break until you lose , she’s gone now and your heart just feels bruised and broken and confused. 

  You don’t know heart break until you choose, someone’s happiness over your own. Then realize is was never enough. 

  You don’t know heart break until you die inside, every time you see him with someone else, someone better, someone willing. 

  You don’t know heart break until you’re replaced, until a new better you is in your place. Living greatly in all that you’ve built. 

 You don’t know heart break till you’ve lost it all. 

Till nothing feels better than to not feel at all. 

Inspired

I’ve been inspired by the light in your perfect green eyes. The idea of them makes my heart skip and head spin in only a way you could make happen. When I see them glisten and I know they’re looking back at me I lose it. There’s no way I’m face to face with something this perfect. 

Again 

I’m writing again. 

I’m writing because it hurts. It stopped for a while but it’s here front and center. 

It’s not bad like before. When I ached all over and the only place I felt safe was in my room. Doors shut under the dark blankets that I’ve soaked in tears. Scared to leave because it might get even worse. It’s not stabbing any more it’s just aggravating.

Now it’s a stinging. A nervous stinging I can feel in my veins and in my heart and at times it’s worse then a thousand needles. 

I can feel my blood pulsing through my veins and it hurts. It hurts so bad because there’s nothing I can do to fix it. 

I don’t know the cause and I don’t know what’s worse. The aching or the knowledge that it’s only getting worse. 

Writing seems to help and that’s all that I know. I’m not looking for attention, just documenting the hurt. 

Misinterpretation

You took my heart. You made it swell. 

Now all you’re doing is dragging it through hell.

It throbs for you still, while leaking my blood. 

You stabbed my repeatedly and I still took it as love. 

Home 

I could walk around this place a thousand times. 

Back and forth and back and forth. 

But it will never feel like home without you lounging on the couch. 
I can eat this same food over and over again.

Chewing and tasting and chewing and tasting. 

But I will never appreciate it as much as I do when I have you sitting in front of me. Eating the same. 
I could watch the stars every night. 

See them twinkling and shining.

But if you’re not next to me in a blanket just like when we were younger I will never look at them as beautiful. But as a constant reminder of the sparkle in your eyes. The eyes that are gone. 

I can’t imagine life without you. 

Sadness and disparity. Sadness with no clarity. 

And I am so grateful. Sister. For you’ve made my life worth living. 

Missing You

If I would have known you were going so soon, I would have clung on to you and never let go. The terrible thing that is death would have to  pry us apart and even then there would still be so much for me to hold forever. Every memory every moment. But now I can hardly remember every moment and every memory seems so distant, it’s no longer within my reach. I’m missing you like crazy and every day it gets worse. 

I feel like you are fading away. People at school no longer talk about it. No one is in shock anymore. The conversation has faded and People don’t hurt as bad. But I do. You are what I wake up thinking about and you are what I cry about before I go to sleep. You are the reason I smile at sunsets and you are the reason some days seem unbearable. But what’s important is that you are still a part of my life. Whether it’s a sad time or a good time, you are still here. I have not forgotten and I never will. 

Someone told me that I was dragging it on. That I was sad for long enough and now I’m just blowing it out of proportion. That it doesn’t need to affect me anymore. But he was wrong. He didn’t lose a best friend, he doesn’t have to watch his friends suffer and ache everyday , and he doesn’t have to face a mother who lost her beloved child. I know He’s not the only one with this childish way of thinking, but he is representing them all. All the ones who wouldn’t understand because they haven’t felt, or don’t feel at all.  Maybe he just simply doesn’t understand, but he also didn’t know you like I did. He doesn’t know how greatly you affected my life, he doesn’t know about our conversations and he doesnt how great of a person you were. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him for not understanding, you wouldn’t want me to be. But I’m mad at the world.

I’m mad because you didn’t get to experience all that you worked so hard towards. I’m mad that you didn’t get to graduate and walk that stage infront of our entire class like you’ve dreamed of for 3 years.  I’m mad that you had to go, before such an important time of your life. I am so upset that it had to be you.

I still don’t understand why such a happy and beautiful person was taken , and I never will. But I love you and I think of you every day. 

Rest easy seizy 

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